I ain’t gonna sugar coat it. Right now I feel like shit.
In the early hours of this morning I entered a really dark place. I was at a party and I felt incredibly lonely. I don’t know what triggered it, I just remember one minute being fine and the next being unable to move from the sofa and wipe off my resting bitch face. Over an hour or so of being unable to shake off this mood and make a connection, I called it quits and walked home alone. This mood engulfed me and thoughts turned to hurting myself. I had a panic attack.
I am extremely lucky to have friends who I can call up at three in the morning and will sort me out. I am surrounded by people who will give me hugs and chocolate, and I couldn’t be more grateful. The problem with my current state is that it’s situational. I know I’m not dealing with a bout of depression. I’ve dealt with much worse. My self worth is generally high atm and I feel comfortable in my skin. Miss Self-Loathing doesn’t really show her face much any more which is one thing.Most of the time I feel well-loved, well-connected and part of it. But its those moments when I don’t that are giving me bad turns. Normally I can deal with a shitty night, but recently I have had to take refuge in my bed after such an issue. I’m dealing with people fatigue- an increased intolerance to people making me feel like shit.
My bad mood is caused by my situation. I loathe university right now. My lectures are dull and time-consuming, the work is group orientated with is not my thing and I have no time for my own stuff. I haven’t had a weekend to myself all semester and it’s getting to me. I’m suffering from a severe lack of motivation to work, work out and eat healthily. It’s scaring me. I’m worried I’m going to undo all the hard work I did in semester one. In reality I’m not any less hard working than last year, but my mindset has shifted and it wont set back. It’s like accidentally putting on audio description on the telly and not knowing how to get it back off again.
This constant boredom and loathing of routine is causing me to go stir crazy. I just want to sit in bed in my jammies and hide from the world, which is very unlike me. So that is also worrying me. I am worrying more about the potential upcoming self destruction than I am actually causing myself harm.
Added to the mix is being constantly arsed around by people. I suffer from low esteem when it comes to dating and I can usually deal with the fact that I am undesirable. But recently I’ve been given false hope and also been severely duffed and it’s almost tipped me over the edge. I know it shouldn’t, but when you’re consistently messed around you can’t help thinking that this is all you’re ever going to get.
So today I stayed in bed. I watched “My Mad Fat Diary”, ate a load of carbs and sat in my favourite sweatshirt. Then like I always do I thought “Ok that’s enough self care. You actually need to do work now”. So I did. Until I hit a writer’s block on a project and thought “Fuck it. Why am I letting myself battle on when I’m not ok? Why am I forcing recovery on myself? Holy shit I wanted to hurt myself this morning and I’m worried about my grades.” So instead of ploughing through, I did something I’ve never done before. I sat in my chair watching the sunset and let myself feel the pain. I cried. I shouted. I said all these bad thoughts aloud. I let the sadness wash over me and really felt it in the moment. It made me realise that these freak outs kept happening because I’d been repressing it. So I let out as much as I could and then napped it off. It felt like I had shed an emotional skin.
Of course I’m still not 100%, but I have managed to distance myself from it slightly. What I’d like you to take from this post is don’t do what I’ve been doing. Don’t focus on cheering yourself up because you need a “quick fix” and can’t be dealing with mental health issues right now. Your mind is more important than that deadline. It’s not a big deal if you miss that lecture but it is if you have a breakdown. Don’t destroy yourself because you ought to be functioning. People ought not to be twats but they still are. We don’t know what is coming our way and how it will affect us. But when shit hits the fan, feel it. Feel it in its entirety and then let it go. Don’t cover it up. That’s like plastering over cracks in a wall. It may work now but eventually they’ll come back. It took me contemplating my own life to realise that. Don’t get that close to the edge. It ain’t worth it.
How do you get yourself out of a dark place? Let me know in the comments below.